It makes me smile to find that what we need most, we were taught when we were little children. For example, “Look right, left and right again, before crossing the road, and keep looking”, another being, “Keep your mouth closed while you are chewing.” So often these phrases whilst being correct, are also metaphorical. In the first instance, it could mean, take everything into account before making a decision and keep being alert to changes that may arise. Or, stop talking whilst you are taking-in what the person in front of you is saying.
How many times have you been in a conversation, and whilst the person is talking you are gearing up to speak, rehearsing what to say when they stop talking or pause for breath? And without you being aware, your mouth starts to open. Even this very subtle movement of your mouth is enough for the speaker to notice, and in doing so, interrupts their flow of thinking. They feel that you have stopped listening to them.
Can you recall those times when this has happened to you? You have noticed they have stopped listening.
How does that feel?
But, I can hear you saying as you are reading this, “But, I am sure that what I wanted to say will be important to them, or it can show that I understand them.”
Or, “I know what they are about to say”.
Do you? Really?
Or are you trying to say, “My thoughts are more important than yours, I know more than you do, and just stop talking and let me tell you what you are about to say”? You have lost interest.
When audiences are challenged with these questions, the answer I usually receive is that this behaviour is, “So rude”.
We don’t mean to be this way; most of us are good people, doing the best that we can, based on our experience and knowledge. We are simply unaware of our behaviour.
What does curious mean?
Being curious means moving into a state in which you want to learn more about someone or something, (sometimes this includes their worries and fears, pleasures and joys). Also, finding out something unusual or different, and realising it is worth the time taken to notice it.
I recall meeting a new prospect at his club. I asked for him at Reception and they were delighted to take me to him. I noticed that he greeted the Receptionist by name. I subsequently found out that he knew all of the staff by their first name. Not only that, he knew about their job, some of their personal lives and so much more. It was evident that he was extraordinarily loved by so many of the staff, yet he was just one of the members. I asked him why. He said one word. “Curiosity. I am genuinely interested in them, and in doing so they are interested in me.” Each of them feels heard, valued and their contribution matters. Does he get special treatment? You bet he does!
How can you become and remain curious?
- Believe that for the duration of this conversation, the speaker is the most important person in your life.
- Remain still and quiet throughout.
- Believe that they have all the answers to any of the questions they may raise.
- Wonder what is going on for them, at this time, in their life.
- Keep your intention to understand uppermost in your mind.
- Encourage them to speak more, by nodding, smiling, saying quietly, “Aha”, “Mmmm”, etc.
- Should you need to clarify a point, ask a question, using an ‘open’ style of question ideally. (Be mindful of asking, ‘why’ though, as it can seem accusatory).
- When they pause, count to three in your mind, and if they are still quiet, ask, “What more?” or repeat the last word or a word or two from what they just said. You will be surprised how many times you can ask this simple question. When there is no more to say they will smile and say so.
It is quite beautiful to watch how being curious, remaining silent, and deeply listening to a fellow human being, how easily they open up further.
- Greatly appreciate being in the safe space that you have created, where they are able to think for themselves, feel relaxed and less stressed, and to speak more openly and honestly.
- Feel good because they have been seen and heard.
- Usually share more than they would with others, and often sharing something they have never shared before.
- Typically arrive at their own solutions.
- Trust and like you more.
- Be interested in you and be prepared to listen to you.
How curious can you get today?