Dexterity Solutions

By adopting the following listening ‘components’ you will improve your listening skills.  However, if you are ‘doing’ listening rather than ‘being’ listening, the speaker will notice and the connection will not be of the same depth or quality.  Simply being truly present with the speaker and not saying anything will be better for them than just doing what I have written here.

Clean questions

Throughout the listening session, it is important not to lead the speaker through your questions, i.e. wherever possible only ask those questions which have no suggestion of direction.  This enables the speaker to find their answers without any advice from you.  As the conversation continue you may wish to ask developing questions, such as “(and) what kind of X (is that X)?” or “(and) is there anything else about X?”

Opening question

How you open the conversation is important, one question could be, “What would you like to talk about and what are your thoughts?”

Questions and guidance

After a period of silence, leave the silence longer, then if they have not spoken ask quietly, “What more to you think, feel or want to say?”  Surprisingly, you can ask this question a number of times and it will be OK.  The mind accepts it as though it has asked the question itself.

A question for the listener is, “How far can the speaker go with their thinking before they need mine?  And how much further than that can it go?”

In offering these thoughts on listening, I wish to acknowledge the work of Nancy Kline, Author of Time to Think and More Time to Think.

By adopting the following listening ‘components’ you will improve your listening skills.  However, if you are ‘doing’ listening rather than ‘being’ listening, the speaker will notice and the connection will not be of the same depth or quality.  Simply being truly present with the speaker and not saying anything will be better for them than just doing what I have written here.

Letting go

Before the conversation begins, seek to put aside all of your own ‘stuff’.  Ask yourself, is there is anything that you feel could or would distract you, and ideally seek to address it before starting?

Set your Intention before the conversation

Intend to be fully present and in the moment with the speaker.  Always give your full attention and allow them to speak, uninterrupted and without judgement.  Seek to be curious about what they may say, and be genuinely interested in all that they do say.

Meeting space or environment

Wherever possible choose or create a physical space to meet that shows that you care about the speaker and that they matter, one that enables them to relax and be themselves.  Also, as you have no idea what may arise from the speaker, be mindful of where you meet.

Setting the scene

Once all of the practicalities and pleasantries have been completed, now is the time to explain that your role will be to pay attention to them and allow them the time and space to say what they wish to say.  Tell them that you will not be interrupting them, and you will be silent for a lot of the time.  Through your asking one or two specific questions they will be able to drop deeper into their thinking, perhaps deeper than they have ever gone previously.

Jerome Groopman, in his book, “How Doctors Think” says that it is widely understood by Doctors that the best source of understanding of a patient’s ailments is, of course, the patient.  Over the course of a five to ten-minute consultation, the Doctor will find out many aspects of the ailment, sufficient for him to offer a reliable diagnosis.  However, on average the time taken from when the patient starts speaking to when the Doctor interrupts with his opinion is 18 seconds.

This could also apply to leaders, managers or in fact to any of our relationships with friends, partners and our children.

Tom Peters (Author of In Search of Excellence), believes that seven out of every eight managers are 18-second managers, i.e. I have seen this before, the answer is, you should do.

How about you, are you an 18-second manager, partner or parent?

Tom says, “I have come to the conclusion that the single most significant strategic strength of an organisation can have is not a good strategic plan but a commitment to strategic listening on the part of every member of the organisation.  Strategic listening to front-line employees, vendors, customers.”

He goes on, “The number one core course in Tom’s MBA programme is going to be a two-part, six-month programme called Strategic Listening One and Strategic Listening Two.  The reality is that you can teach listening, you can get better at listening, there is no issue about that.  But guess what, it is like playing the piano, becoming an actor, like becoming an artist, it is a profession that has to be learned.  It is my opinion as a leader or as a team member that to a significant degree your profession is listening.  So think about it, are you an 18-second Manager?  I bet you are!”

So how about you, are you an 18-second leader, manager, partner, brother, sister or parent?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwB7NAvKPeo#t=178

I was not surprised to read this week that a number of MPs have decided that ‘enough is enough’ and not to attend Prime Minister’s Questions because as Commons Speaker John Bercow put it, “the histrionics and cacophony of noise are so damaging as to cause them to look elsewhere”.

I feel it echoes much of what is wrong with so many conversations, either in business or personally, we simply do not listen well enough.  We rarely regard the other as an equal, see them as a fellow human being or believe that what they have to say is important. Furthermore, in not listening, we do not give the other person the time to think and to really open up and share their true worth and value.  If we did we would be astonished at what we would find out.

Imagine if when the Minister speaks everyone in The House gives them their full attention, did not interrupt, and did their best to take in all that person was saying, i.e. listening with their ears, eyes and their heart.  Then maybe the way politics was portrayed would be more interesting to everyone, particularly the younger generation who are not that interested in politics or positively impressed with MPs at all.

How would paying full attention to the person in front of you make a real difference to your relationship?

Have you ever stopped and wondered why life is happening so fast and appears to be getting faster?

Technology is developing at an exponential rate, yet we are developing linearly.  Everything we do these days has to be done quicker, be it, reading, talking, eating, drinking, and much more.  We are also paying less and less attention to who we are with, we are on autopilot, just reacting.

At another level, we will know that we are more than just what we do, we are beings, with thoughts, feelings and emotions.  We know how important these are to our wellbeing, yet we readily neglect, drop or suppress them to stop them from arising.

The problem is we are wired to connect.  Even though we know that something is missing from our lives, we are unable to articulate exactly what is missing.  When we don’t have that connection, we think the answer lies in overdosing on drugs, alcohol, food, work, etc.  The trouble is that the effect is only temporary, it wears off and the feeling returns that something is still missing.  And so the cycle continues.

Because we just react and because everything is happening so fast, we miss being truly present with the connection that is right in front of us.  That person may be a colleague, a client, or more importantly a loved one.

How often do we miss all the information our senses are presenting to us at this moment, and this moment, and this moment?  Whilst we have the opportunity with technology to connect and be with so many people, we miss the opportunity to see, hear, value and appreciate them.

You cannot multitask attention, so when you do the following exercise, make sure nothing will interrupt you.

Exercise

This is one of the most compassionate ways of connecting that I know.

This ten-minute exercise can be done with anyone, although much better with a loved one.

• Face each other and look at the other in silence for about a minute or longer.  Maintain eye contact throughout, become aware of your breath as you look at them, and allow any thoughts to arise and to pass.
• When one of you is ready, share something that is important to you (there is no restriction on what you may share).
• They will have the opportunity to talk uninterrupted for three minutes.  If they stop talking before the three minutes are up, allow them to sit in the silence.  You will be surprised how often they will talk some more.  If they really think they have finished, gently say, “What else?”.
• The non-speaker says nothing throughout, but will give the other their undivided attention and really listen.  Maintain eye contact (even when the speaker looks away so that when they return to you they will find you still looking at them), no interrupting, and avoid thinking about what you may say when it is your turn.
• When the three minutes are up, swap around.
• In the final minute, look at the other, take a deep breath in and breath out, then each of you shares one thing you appreciate about the other.

Please let me know how the exercise goes for you.

In a conversation this week, I had one of those ‘Aha’ moments, when suddenly so many things started to fit into place.

At  a recent event on being asked that lovely question, “So, what do you do?” I replied, “I am The Listener”.  In silence, she looked at me.  I continued, looking her full in the eyes, “When was the last time you felt really heard?”  I knew that my question had been heard, but was not sure if it had landed.

Because of the event now starting we were unable to continue talking.  A little later, we broke up to work in smaller groups and I was again with the lady I had spoken to previously.  We were encouraged to let everyone in the group speak on their initial thoughts.  As each person spoke, I gave them my attention, looked into their eyes, and was interested in what they were saying as well as curious as to where their thinking was taking them.  When they stopped speaking and before the next person spoke, I managed to ask a question about what they had been saying and encouraging them to speak a little more.  This was also done with the lady in question.  Later that evening she found me again and said that she now understood what I meant when I said I was The Listener.  She said that she had felt heard by me, and really appreciated my asking her a question and being interested in the answer before we moved on to the next person.

At another event, where the intention was to encourage more collective dialogue, it was proposed that individuals should speak as and when it moves them, and to make sure that whatever they were saying built on what had been said by the previous person.  What appeared to happen was that one person spoke, another spoke saying, “Building on what x was saying….”. which would have been great had it been true, sadly it was not.  In most cases, their point of view was not connected to the previous speaker at all.  It felt as though the first person speaking had said their piece and then been abandoned.  I appreciate that I am maybe making a mountain out of a molehill, but is this not what happens all the time?  On sharing this observation with the facilitator, he replied, that to have had a really ‘connected’ dialogue as I was suggesting would only be possible in advanced teams of people.  I was a tad shocked to hear that, in that what I was proposing seems to me to be a mixture of respect, equality, time, attention for our fellow man, not the behaviour of an advanced team.

Earlier this week I was discussing true listening.  We can all remember those moments when the person sitting opposite us is truly listening, hanging on to our every word, looking us in the eyes and giving us space and time to speak.  And then the silence, when we stopped speaking, and they did not start, they just kept looking at us.  So we continued speaking and then we stopped, and again they did not speak.  This time though, when we started speaking, thoughts from a lot deeper place came forth, words that we had not planned to say, ideas we had never expressed before, and we started to get into flow.  Our voices changed, we became more animated, we were sharing our thinking.  And all the time we were being heard.  When the conversation finishes, we come back to reality, and we wonder what happened.  Usually, what we then say is, “Thank you for listening, I had no idea where that came from, thank you”.

The sad part is that most of us have become caught up with this fast-paced world, where short, sharp meetings are the norm and if you don’t get in there and scrap then you are a wimp.  The downside is that there is very little listening going on, most people are simply waiting, some more impatiently than others, to say their piece.  This can result in time being wasted having to go back and ask, correct the mistakes that were made and so on. 

My ‘Aha’ moment was when I realised that it is not that we don’t know what it feels like to be really heard, we have simply forgotten.  Once we remember, through having an experience of really being heard, everything changes for us.  We notice what is happening in meetings, around the coffee area, at home with our children and with our partners.  Not being heard now starts to feel uncomfortable and even morally wrong.  As a result, we start to make small changes ourselves.  When someone, like one of our children, wants to tell us something, we stop what we are doing, turn and face them and look them in the eyes and wait for them to speak.  You will be amazed at what comes out without our interruption or intervention.

We cannot do other things and listen at the same time.  Our children, of all ages and until they or we die, need us to listen to them.  Listening is right up there with food and air. And love.  Actually, it is love.  “More Time to Think” by Nancy Kline

At a time when most people could say, “Hand on heart”, that we are more connected to one another than ever before, I would say that we continue to feel more and more disconnected than ever.

Sure, we can interact with people on a daily basis, some even minute by minute, across the social media platforms, yet if we were to ask the question of why we do this, we would probably get one answer, “I want to feel that my deep longing inside of me is being met”.  The reality is that at some level it does provide a temporary fix, yet when it is over we need the fix again, and again, or to have more of it, more frequently.

The same is true for the other fixes that we seek in order to fill the gap, be it alcohol, drugs, sex, television, work, etc.

Does it fill the gap or does it numb the need for a moment?

I was reminded of this quite starkly whilst watching a short clip of Christian Pankhurst and a member of the audience he had invited on stage with him.  She had the courage to get on the stage and to ask for what she wanted.  She asked to be seen and held by Christian, and for her not to diminish the experience by continuing to maintain eye contact with him.

It was a most profound and beautiful moment.  At first, he stood about five feet away and looked at her, quietly, fully and totally in the moment.  You could appreciate some of what she was experiencing, perhaps for the first time in her life, through the way she breathed and how her posture changed.  You knew this was already having an impact on her.

Christian then moved closer, to within an arm’s length, still maintaining full eye contact and completely present with her.  She started to laugh awkwardly and moved her hand to her mouth a few times.  She was totally experiencing the feeling of being seen.  You could see her body ‘drop’ or on reflection, surrender to what she was now feeling.

He then asked if it would be alright to touch her, to which she replied, “Yes”.  Christian then placed his hands on her upper arms and held them.  Throughout all of this, both maintained eye contact.  Her awkward laugh changed to tears and then to uncontrollable sobbing.  At which point Christian asked her, “Tell me when you have had enough?”, which was enough for her to smile again, this time from a more joyous position, at which point they were able to embrace, which they did for about a minute.

How many times are we not seen, not heard?

Each time we get ignored we bury it inside, so as not to cause us further pain.  Yet it sits there, eating away, influencing our view of self (not worthy, not enough, insignificant) and influencing how we see the world (threatening, unfriendly, cold).  Our bodies react to this as a threat and in doing so negative chemicals are released, we go into a state of fight or flight, and we continue to live in fear.

On the plus side, when we do get seen or heard the impact can be considerable, the healing it gives, namely, the release of positive chemicals inside us, the affirming, the acceptance, the validation and the allowing, enables each of us to take a small step forward to being more of who we really are and to more fully ‘show up’ in the world.

Who could you be present with today and really see and hear them?

The challenge

For more years than I can remember I have found myself deeply listening to people through my connecting.  Listening as they shared their story, their challenges, their frustrations and their joys.  Through that listening, I felt the connection move from head to head to heart to heart.

I have sat with them, through moments of complete despair, when their world seems to have been turned upside down, when they felt they hated everyone close to them, and that maybe they should chuck it all in and run away.  I have felt their hurt, their pain, their sadness, and their heartache as empathically as I can.

These are their difficult times, their turning points, their ‘aha’ moments when they recognise that this isn’t about being rescued, that this was their time to take responsibility and to create their own life from now on.

We are living in the most challenging, scary and exciting of times.  We have created technology that enables us to connect to pretty much anyone on the planet, yet most people feel more disconnected than ever.  The pace of life is such that we are constantly running after external, material possessions, rather than stopping and spending time with loved ones or doing things that matter and make a difference.  We hide behind our screens all the time, constantly checking the next status update or message from a ‘friend’ and replying with something interesting from our life, but carefully constructed and edited to show us in our best light.

We yearn for more connection, yet shun the chance to truly connect.  As each generation moves through, we lose a little bit more of that connection.  With all these distractions we numb ourselves further…….

“Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.”  Dale Carnegie

Sadly, we have stopped learning how to truly connect, how to really listen, how to recognise what matters.  Through our continual numbing, we can avoid opening up, being vulnerable, showing our true selves, which would be OK, well sort of, if it were not for the fact we have a much deeper, more real yearning to connect and to be heard.

The opportunity

Active listening is the opportunity.  Someone who creates a safe space, with whom they can just be themselves, to allow whatever chooses to arise to be spoken, and for it to be received openly, without judgement and without opinion.  They may choose to sit in silence, a chance to stop, draw breath and recharge.  It may be an opportunity to share some of their feelings about something, a person, an event, or space to just to let off steam, to release the pressure, to let their feelings and emotions out.  Alternatively, they may wish to explore their new ideas, their thoughts, and their ambitions.

This is not about trying to fix them, as most people do not need fixing anyway, rather an opportunity for them to simply speak their own words and share their feelings, and to know without question, that they have been heard and felt.

The experience of being truly heard is unusual, as for many it will be the first time this has happened.  Afterwards, it can be liberating, inspiring, energising and maybe even life-changing.

What is at the heart of active listening?

Firstly, find a quiet space, removing as many distractions as possible, face the other person and make eye contact, thus creating an attentive atmosphere.

Listening involves putting aside our own needs, desires and competing thoughts, and completely taking in what the other is saying, whilst being in a non-judgemental position and not having an opinion.

Be present to the feelings that run alongside what is being said.  How are they feeling whilst they are telling their story?

Next and perhaps most importantly is reflecting.  You may think it odd to repeat or summarise what you have just heard them say, but the satisfaction, comfort and connection that someone experiences when his or her words have been absorbed and deeply understood is staggering.

This involves simply reflecting back to the other person what you have heard them say, and making sure that you have it right.

Throughout the conversation speak calmly and slowly, and whilst continuing to make eye contact, nodding, acknowledging will be most beneficial to the speaker, it shows them you are paying attention.

There will be times when they stop talking, and at these times resist the temptation to jump in, so just be silent.  Most of us are so used to people jumping in, so when you don’t they will feel they have permission to continue, and then they will probably take the conversation much deeper.

Finally, if you want to bring more depth to the listening experience, ask questions that help you understand better what the other person is saying.
Not necessarily questions related to what you want to know, but rather to help the other person tell his or her story.

Who could you listen to today, and will you?

How many times have we avoided those people who on the outside seem different to us, only to find that when we do meet them, there is no difference on the inside?

I had the pleasure of experiencing one such event recently.

I am on the train reading, sitting with a woman to my right and two men across the aisle.  At the next station, he gets on, and I recognise him, even without seeing him yet.  I can tell by the noise he makes, all a little dramatic, who it is (he is that one person that most people wish to avoid), and he sits diagonally across from me.

I have seen him a few times before, and he dresses in large amounts of pink.  Pink t-shirt, jumper, trainer laces, etc., he has a pink pen, brolly, scarf and hat, in his bag, even his folders are pink.  Anyways he sits down, looks at me, in my pink shirt, the lady next to me who is also wearing a pink blouse, and then he declares, “Hey we are all wearing pink”, so I look up at him and smile, so does the woman, well sort of, and we all continue doing what we were doing before.

He then says, “How about we make this section for only those who are wearing pink?”.  So we laugh again and get back to what we are doing.  At which point the guy across the aisle from me, says, “I have pink in my scarf, which again gets a smile going, then the guy opposite him says, “I have pink in my tie”.  More mirth and we declare the whole of our area just for those wearing pink.

At the next stop, this young lady gets on, mid-20s I think, and sits down in OUR area.  The man in pink starts looking at her, and when he has caught her attention, he asks her if she is wearing any pink.  It is so funny, I am starting to laugh inside, still not quite as inhibited as he is yet.  She says no and looks at me with THAT look, the one that says, “OMG who is he?” and he is sitting next to me….I just smile at her.

She says, No I don’t”, at which point he explains the situation and starts to offer her a pink scarf from his bag, bless him!  To which she kindly refuses and gets back to her reading.  She then says she thinks that pink is for girls, not boys, to which he lifts his pink jumper to reveal his pink t-shirt which has “Real Men Wear Pink” written on it!  Brilliant and just priceless.

A few minutes later, she gets out her phone and starts to write a text.  At this point, the guy next to me says, “Look, she has a pink phone”, which gets all of our attention and we all smile.  I say, “Aha, maybe she is a closet pink, and only now does she feel safe to reveal it.”  Everyone starts to laugh, it breaks the ice a bit more, and there is the odd comment or two afterwards, and all very funny.

He explains that he wears pink every day except Monday, when he wears blue, because it’s Blue Monday, of course, what else J

Nearing Paddington, the man in pink gets up and walks down the aisle.  I get up and follow him, standing just behind him.  Throughout the journey, he is busy, always moving, can’t sit still, he wants to talk, but with our being British, it is not the done thing on the train in the morning, or in fact at any time.  I have pretty much changed my opinion of him since he first got on and I am convinced he is not who I was earlier judging him to be.

So I say to him, “You have so much energy, you can’t seem to sit still.” (not in a critical way, but said as more of an observation)  He said he does have a lot of pent-up energy, and then tells me it is 9 years, 7 months, 5 hours and 20 minutes since his last drink!  I express my admiration for what he has achieved, and ask if he works in the creative field, to which he replies, “Sort of”.  So I offer, “Maybe music?”, to which he replies that he is.  Turns out that I am talking to Mark Jones, who started his career as a reasonable successful musician, and was the founder of record label www.wallofsound.net which comes up 8 years next year.  Mark also created BBC Radio 6’s programme Back to the Phuture in 2009 www.backtothephuture.net

We continue to chat down the platform and end up talking all the way to Charing Cross, where we exchange cards (which after looking at mine he decides to colour my blue shirt in the picture, pink!) and parted company.  What a really nice guy.

As I surfaced in Trafalgar Square I was just shaking my head and laughing out loud, it was both funny and lovely.  I knew I had learned a lesson.

It just goes to show, appearances and the judgements we make are all pretty rubbish.  So who is normal, the person who wants to talk, wants to make people smile, connects, creates community, or the rest of us, who sit quietly, pompously, separate and alone, too frightened or conditioned to open our mouths?

Makes you think eh!

As relationships are at the heart of what I do, I love watching others relate to each other, how they open themselves up, how they are listened to, or not, where their attention is focussed, and so on, but above all where are they making a difference.

Today I observed a real moment of joy, for both the giver and the receiver.  The receiver was collecting for a well known charity, the giver was a willing to give some money.  What the giver added was to thank the person for collecting on behalf of the charity and secondly to say that they were appreciated.

The look on the face of the collector was priceless, I am not sure what else she could have been given that would have given her a bigger smile.

Her response…she looked the giver in the eye, touched her heart with her hand, smiled brightly and said thank you.

When did you last say thank you or that you appreciated someone for what they were doing?